Anxiety Overload

It's Friday and I made it through my first week off! It was a fun but crazy week; well check appt. for Alexa, both kids' teeth cleaned, Knotts Berry Farm for Nate's B-day, retail therapy and...unfortunately more Dr. Appts.

A few weeks ago I felt a small lump in one of my breasts..anyone that knows me knows that I freak out over everything, so to try to go on with my "normal" day to day life these past few weeks... has been a little quite challenging. The lump has been consuming the back of my mind and some nights I would toss and turn thinking (probably too much) about what could possibly come of it. Well, I knew that I wasn't going to enjoy my vacation if I didn't get it checked out by my doctor, so finally on Monday I went to see her. She too felt the lump and referred me to an imaging center for a breast ultra sound. This hasn't been my first go around with this but it still doesn't make it any easier. All week my nerves were on edge and some days felt like I was on board an emotional roller coaster. Cancer is something that recently and unfortunately consumes me, so this was not an easy pill for me to swallow. I know...I know...talk about worse case scenario right??? It's just that I have watched one too many beautiful people fight this horrific disease and although I was praying for the best I was also planning for the worst. I'm not a negative person but more a realist. I know that I am not immune from sickness and something in the pit of my stomach was telling me it wasn't going to be good...

As I sat in that waiting room today I was absolutely sick to my stomach wondering so many things... if they did see "something" what would they tell me? or would they tell me? would they biopsy me right there? would they refer me to a specialist? would I be strong enough to handle the news.. or was I just imagining this whole lump in the first place?

Basically...I was a wreck!

I went alone so that of course didn't help but I had no choice in the matter. Everyone was super sweet and through each step of the process the nurses reassured me that I am a woman and no matter what happens I can handle anything that comes my way. That is what got me through this tough day for sure! OK so I was being super dramatic today..I know..but lately it seems as though every time I turn my head..someone else is getting diagnosed with the ugly "C Word."

After the ultrasound the nurse left the room for what seemed like the longest 10 mins. of my life, to have the doctor "review the scans". She came back in about 12 minutes later (yes I watched every min.of that clock pass) and behind her I saw the doctor. My stomach dropped wondering why he was with her, what was he going to say? Well.. he said this "what you feel is a cyst, we will keep an eye on it but I can assure you that it is not cancer". The relief I felt was so overwhelming, I was happy, yet crying because at that moment I realized that for a few days I felt the harsh reality of what some people face daily.. I think I practically skipped to the changing room and danced my way out of there, but when I got to my car..I broke down. I was so thankful, grateful, overwhelmed, and emotionally consumed. I felt so lucky but it also made me pause and realize what too many beautiful people have to deal with. What to me, would be my worlds worst nightmare. Suddenly I thought about a beautiful friend of mine.

Cheryl~
No woman should have to endure what you are having to endure, let alone a young beautiful mommy of two small children. I pray for you daily and there is no doubt in my mind that you will beat this ugly disease. Thank you for lifting me up this week when I was expecting the worst. Your words meant so much to me and as you sat in the clinic enduring another round of chemo.. you were checking on ME I hope that when you need something that you will turn to me, because I will do whatever you need, my friend. It just goes to show that no matter how much time has passed or how many miles between..true friendships never die! I love you and I'm throwing out a big "FUCK YOU CANCER" for you tonight...

When I got back home to my kids I felt a feeling of renewal come over me. Its things like this that constantly remind me that no matter how broke we are, how long we have to stay in this itty bitty condo, how much it sucks that I can't find a teaching job and all of the other things that I bitch about daily... don't really matter! I mean of course they matter, but in the big scheme of things...THEY DON'T!!!!  What matters is; my family, my health, our togetherness and although this was a rough week for me, it was nothing in comparison to what other people endure. So tonight after this long dragged out blog,  my message is this....stop to smell the roses, tell the people who mean the world to you how much you love them, love with an open heart, and live like each day is your last..most importantly don't forget to count your blessings and give your thanks to the man upstairs who makes it all possible. I know that this experience has forever humbled me and no matter how rough things may get from day to day...its really not that bad after all.

I am so lucky to have my family who told me all along that "everything was going to be o.k." Even if they too were worried they didn't show it and I knew that no matter what happened they were right because either way, with them by my side I will always be o.k.
Sweet Dreams Loved ones...

Lots of Love,

Nichole